This question can come from curiosity and have no ill intent, but its implications can be frustrating and damaging.

First, in a white-dominated society, it points to an “otherness’ and reminds us that white is “normal” and everything else is ‘different’. It’s basically like asking, “why aren’t you white?”

Second, it’s vague. We’re not sure what information the person is looking for, or what category they are trying to fit us into. Do they want to know where we live? Where we were born? Where our parents grew up? What languages we speak?

Many people whose families immigrated to the US have complex identities based in a lifetime of straddling multiple cultures, and coming up with a quick, definitive response to this question can be difficult. The complete answer would require sharing our life stories with a stranger, something we are not all comfortable with or in the mood for. Furthermore, our life experiences tell us that once you know where we’re “really” from, your brain will automatically fit us into a category or a stereotype based on it – something we know damages our chances at being judged on our personality and capabilities, and erases the complex hyphenated identities that we live. This question can make us feel especially sad when it prevents us from genuinely expressing who we are to a friendly, well-intentioned person who we otherwise might have felt close to.

Where did you grow up? Do you live around here? Have you been in New York (or wherever) long?

EDUCATIONAL RESPONSE
If you get this question from a person you feel comfortable challenging, you can point to why their question is problematic by saying, ‘I just told you where I’m from.’ Often, this will result in the more specific questions such as ‘No, I mean, what’s your ethnicity?’ Depending on the situation, responses like ‘Why do you need to know that?’ or ‘If I was white and I said I was from Philly, would you ask me where I was “really” from?’ might make your point. Or, you could just direct the person to this site!

DIPLOMATIC RESPONSE
Make a point but keep things diplomatic: If your boss or a colleague asks you this, you may not feel comfortable challenging the premise and risking your job. A response like, ‘I really am from Oklahoma, and my parents are from Somalia” (given politely) acknowledges their real question (‘why aren’t you white?’) but hints that it may not have been completely appropriate.

SAFE RESPONSE
Get out of the situation safely: Sometimes you don’t have the energy for a confrontation, no matter how infuriating it is to be ‘othered’ and asked personal questions based on how you look or sound. In these situations, you need a quick response that satisfies the asker’s curiosity and doesn’t prolong the conversation, such as ‘My family’s from Japan.’ Boom, you’re done (hopefully) and can move on to more important things in your day like dismantling the patriarchy.

HUMOROUS/SARCASTIC RESPONSE
What can we say, sometimes the first tool we can reach is sarcasm. Your delivery can determine if a sarcastic response is challenging, diplomatic, or funny. Example: ‘Oh, where am I REALLY from? I’m from the Planet Zanibar and my race has been slowly taking over the Earth for centuries. In fact, you are the last Earth human left and my mission is to eliminate you.’ Example 2: ‘I’m REALLY from the future, where you ask the same annoying question to a less patient person and they punch you in the face. I came back to warn you about microaggressions.’ Example 3: Make up a place and then act all offended that they haven’t heard of it. ‘But Dongoria is the world’s largest manufacturer of tin-openers! How can you not have heard of us?’

In a society where whiteness is treated as the default and anything else is treated as an ‘other,’ claiming not to see race or “color” is not only an outright lie (we all have implicit racial bias), but is also a way of avoiding important issues around race.

Saying this to a person of color effectively erases their experience and denies that it could be different from yours. ‘Even if an individual white person could ignore a person’s color, society does not. By saying we are not different, that you don’t see the color, you are also saying you don’t see your whiteness’. If you refuse to acknowledge race, you are refusing to acknowledge racism.

There really is no alternative to this that doesn’t deny the experience of people of color. Instead of saying this or anything like this, use this moment to think about the reason you felt the impulse to. Did someone bring up an issue of race that made you uncomfortable? Sit with that discomfort for a minute and try to learn more about it. Maybe you were taught in school not to mention race because “we are all equal?” Think about how these kind of pat responses we give to children actually stunt their ability to engage with race in a constructive way. Did this come up in conversation with a person of color? Take a beat to remind yourself that race might be an important part of that person’s life in ways that it hasn’t been for you, and try to listen instead.

EDUCATIONAL RESPONSE
If you’re up for challenging this mindset, you could say, “my race/ethnicity/background is actually a very big and important part of my life, so it’s troubling to me that you claim not to see it. I know what you probably mean to say is that you don’t treat people differently based on their race, which is a great thing to try for, but there’s nothing wrong with seeing color. If we ever achieved racial equality, it wouldn’t look like a homogenous group of people who were all the same color – it would look like people of all different colors who could live together and celebrate their differences.”

DIPLOMATIC RESPONSE
Make a point but keep things diplomatic: “There’s nothing wrong with seeing race, but anyway…” and move on to another subject.

SAFE RESPONSE
It’s unlikely that a stranger will say this to you, but if you do get this from someone you are just going to walk away from and never see again, the fact that it’s not a question makes it pretty easy to get away with a simple, “congrats” or “I’m so sorry for you” and run away!

HUMOROUS/SARCASTIC RESPONSE

• “Do you mean you are actually colorblind, or just in denial that people of different races exist?”
• “Cool. Could you do me a favor and lend me your ID? You shouldn’t have any issues with mine, since we are apparently the same skin color.”
• As Trevor Noah recently answered, “What do you do at a traffic light?”

Very simply, not all women want to have babies. Of those that do, not all want to discuss their timeline with you, no matter who you are. If this is your go-to conversation starter with women of a certain age, you need to ask yourself why you can’t think of anything else to ask them about their lives. Though men can get this question too, it has a much more direct negative effect on women. There are many ways this can be an insensitive and hurtful question, especially if the woman in question is dealing with infertility, a miscarriage, health issues, relationship issues, etc. But as a microaggression, it also underlines how society views women.

Women are paid 20% less than men for the same work. At those jobs, they are judged by impossible double standards and rated on their ability to be nurturing, warm, and conciliatory, not to mention their appearance. They are often overlooked by potential mentors, interrupted at higher rates, relegated to lower roles, and seldom make it to high level leadership positions. Women who choose to have children are often edged out of more competitive workplaces. Meanwhile, women are statistically assumed to be primary caregivers for children, as well as elders, creating the triple burden. Given the high level of stress that facing constant sexism incurs, it’s no wonder that women are at higher risk for anxiety and depression.

So what does this have to do with this seemingly innocent question? It points to the very harmful concept (see above) that women’s primary role in society is to have and care for children (the other primary role being to sexually please men, but we won’t get into that here). It narrows a woman’s entire identity and worth down to her reproductive function, and ignores the wide variety of other ways she might contribute to society or find meaning in life. The idea that women are first and foremost caregivers is why venture capitalists rarely fund women-led startups, and why Republican presidential candidates who were asked which American woman they would place on the $10 bill could only think of their mothers. It’s why society at large is still unable to see or treat men and women as equals or peers.

Not to mention, this is an incredibly personal, intrusive question. If a woman wants to share her thoughts on having or not having children with you, she will. Don’t assume it’s your right to ask.

Literally anything else. “How long do you think you’ll stay at your current job? What do you like about it?” “Do you want to stay in Boston?” “Got any plans for this weekend?” “How do you feel about hairless cats?” All better.

IF and only if you have a close personal relationship with this person, you could ask, “Do you want to have kids?”

EDUCATIONAL RESPONSE
If you’re looking to challenge:
“Who says I want to have kids?” or “That is a very personal question, and I’m not comfortable discussing it with you.”

DIPLOMATIC RESPONSE
“I’m not sure, why don’t we get back to the subject of…”

SAFE RESPONSE
“I don’t know!” and then smile and nod while they probably tell you all about how girls these days are too focused on their careers, and how you should hurry up and have babies before you’re too old. Sorry, projecting my own family experience there.

HUMOROUS/SARCASTIC RESPONSE
“Oh, are we asking inappropriate personal questions now? How’s your marriage going? Still having sex?”

Or, launch into the gory details (make some up if you have to) of your coworker/friend/cousin’s pregnancy until the nosy questioner is horrified and walks away.